If I were King of the Lawn Guys, Nothing Would Go Wrong!

Dave Kollasch

crown for king of the lawn guys

If I were King of the Lawn Guys, nothing, absolutely nothing would ever go wrong!


The pull string on all my lawn equipment would never, never, ever break. I would simply snap my fingers and they would start-up and purr gently. There would never, never, ever be a need for ear protection because the sound of those engines would be like a sweet symphony!

trumpet with notes

Roofing nails and utility flags would never, never, ever cause a flat tire. Nails and flags would levitate above my head until I finished mowing (this levitating power comes with the Royal title).  The flags would then position themselves as before, and the nails would be mailed back to the roofers. (Kings can do that, too.)

My mower blades would recognize my voice and would immediately remove themselves from the mower at my command. I would never, never, ever have to do an acrobatic maneuver to remove them.  No jacking-up, no propping on the trailer ramp, no laying on the ground…they just obey the Master.

Sharpening those blades would become a thing of the past. No more angle grinders that can become lethal weapons; no more bench grinders, jigs, or rasping sounds.  That’s right. My blades, the blades of the King, would be self-removing, self-sharpening, and self-applying. (I may have an opening for an apprentice or two if any of this sounds interesting.)


And fertilizer…let’s talk about fertilizer and royalty!  Lawn fertilizer is composed primarily of nitrogen, phosphorus, and potassium.  Those elements are good for lawns. Those three elements happen to be present in significant quantity in human urine.  (So, imagine how much more precious is the urine of Royalty, like myself.) I would have a boom sprayer that provides just the proper amount of Royal Fluid to those clients willing to have a King Green Lawn. This also gives me more opportunity for a favorite leisure activity – beer drinking.  And I would never, never, ever have to construct an alibi for the Queen (every King has one – either an alibi OR a Queen!).

dog fertilizing lawn

Now, dog urine is something else altogether.  Dog urine does not have the same effect as human, let alone Royal urine. Quite the contrary.  The urine of dogs is very high in nitrogen. Clients with dogs would therefore be subject to my proclamations concerning the diet for their pups. By Royal Decree all clients’ dogs would be required to be on a low-nitrogen diet.  It’s a little more expensive, but the lawn would no longer look like a checkerboard. (A less expensive, and more plebeian approach, would be to have clients teach their dogs to only “tinkle” outside just before a rainfall. That would dilute the dogs’ nitrogen-rich urine.)  My Royal pups, for your information, would use a commode, because that’s what Royal pups do.


Dollarweeds and crabgrass would wither and die when I walked by.  Just having my shadow fall on the clover would cause it to self-destruct.  I would not need to get an application license for weed-killing chemicals that may or may not be cancer-causing.  I would continually maintain a healthy “green” environment. And I would remain healthy, as well. The weed seeds from neighboring lawns would be repelled by my Royal Invisible Shield, thus keeping my clients’ lawns from foreign weed infiltration.  I would provide this service at no extra cost, of course. Kings can do that sort of thing!


Reality – If I were King of the Lawn Guys, my alarm clock would not have gone off at 6AM and I would not have woken up from this marvelous dream.  Hope I can pick up where I left off.

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